The Rich Kid Blues: A Stigma about Depression

This post gets a little personal, but I feel called to put myself out there in order to help others understand a difficult concept. Though many do not know, I have struggled with depression for many years. Like thousands of other people in the country, I try to do a terrific job hiding this. For me at least, I hide my feelings due to a misunderstanding about this condition. I’m not sad, I’m depressed. I know for some, when I open up about my feelings, it can be misinterpreted as The Rich Kid Blues. In other words, many people have this interpretation: If you have so many blessings, a great family, awesome friends, talents, a more or less rich life, you don’t have the right to be depressed. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel the way I do. After recently coming out of a battle with this feeling, I write this letter not to just friends and family, but for those who have this plaguing feeling and can’t express it.

To the Ones I Love,

             Today I don’t feel like myself. It was difficult for me to get out of bed, and I feel like someone has strapped a boulder to my back. I know yesterday you saw me with a big smile on my face, but I can’t seem to make my lips curl back into a U this morning. I try not to let you see me like this, but maybe I’m afraid you won’t understand.

            No I’m not sad. I don’t have a reason to be really. If I was, I think I could understand this a little bit better. I know you love me and can tell a difference. When you ask me what’s wrong, more times than not I’ll tell you “nothing.” You wonder why I won’t open up, but let me explain. So many times I have tried to tell people I’m depressed, only to have them ask what I could possibly be depressed about. Nothing hurts me worse. I can work out, read, accomplish my chores, finish my homework but nothing seems to make it better. Yet you want to downplay how I’m feeling? I can’t really make you understand.

            I don’t need advice, or a qualification as to why I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I just need a friend. Let me tell you what’s going on if you want, but sometimes I can’t even put it into words. In which case, just tell me you love me, let’s go out to eat, maybe watch a movie. Let me just know you’re there. You may think I know you’re here, and I do, but sometimes a reiteration is all I need. You, after all, are satellites to my unpredictable orbit, just as I am to you.

            Sometimes I try too hard to shake myself back to normal. You’ve probably seen me make big mistakes, drastic changes, and jump into random and crazy things. Sometimes this actually helps; sometimes I only end up hurting my cause worse. Please be there for me as a confidant, let me know I’m making a mistake, or push me to make a constructive change. Even at my worst I trust you entirely to look after me.

            I’m a very happy person. I’m on a mission to put a smile on your face daily. Whether at work, home, or school nothing pleases me more than to hear you laugh. All the while, I’m laughing too. Some days though, I just want to lose that responsibility. Can you pick up the slack for me? If not for me, will you for everybody else’s sake? I know it makes you feel like I don’t love you anymore or maybe that I’m mad at you, but I’m not. I promise. After all, when have you known me to be angry with you and not let you know?

            Don’t worry; I’ve been working on this for years. By now I know my cycles. By now I know how I am. Sometimes when it’s been cloudy and cold I get this way. Sometimes it’s just a combination of random variables. Other times I can’t tell you at all what the cause is. This may take a day, a couple days, or a week or so. I have good news though, I know it will end. I know that eventually I’ll feel better. I’m stable. I’m safe. As I said before I’ve been handling this for years. I worry about other people though. Those people who are new to the game.  I once thought I would never feel better, that life wasn’t beautiful anymore. Luckily I had great parents, parents that pulled me along to let me know what was going on. Parents that told me it wasn’t my fault, and to hang on just a little bit longer. I was a kid, but amazingly I listened. This was before I knew they were always right. I hope you can read their signals, and pull my colleagues through these confusing times.        

            I feel terrific today. I’m back to normal. I woke up with a smile on my face. I made coffee, took a shower, walked the dog. Today I feel like getting caught up: laundry, dishes, homework, read, work, repeat. I feel like nothing ever happened. Why you ask? Like usual, I couldn’t tell you really. I can’t wait to see you, hear you laugh, and pull your leg. Don’t ask me if I’m feeling better. You know I am, just tell me you’re glad to see ME. I’m blessed to have you. I’m happy you’re here.

Sincerely,

Your Confused Friend