This post gets a little personal,
but I feel called to put myself out there in order to help others understand a
difficult concept. Though many do not know, I have struggled with depression
for many years. Like thousands of other people in the country, I try to do a
terrific job hiding this. For me at least, I hide my feelings due to a
misunderstanding about this condition. I’m not sad, I’m depressed. I
know for some, when I open up about my feelings, it can be misinterpreted as The Rich Kid Blues. In other words, many
people have this interpretation: If you have so many blessings, a great family,
awesome friends, talents, a more or less rich life, you don’t have the right to be depressed. That doesn’t mean
I don’t feel the way I do. After recently coming out of a battle with this
feeling, I write this letter not to just friends and family, but for those who
have this plaguing feeling and can’t express it.
To
the Ones I Love,
Today I don’t feel like myself. It was
difficult for me to get out of bed, and I feel like someone has strapped a
boulder to my back. I know yesterday you saw me with a big smile on my face,
but I can’t seem to make my lips curl back into a U this morning. I try not to
let you see me like this, but maybe I’m afraid you won’t understand.
No I’m not sad. I don’t have a
reason to be really. If I was, I think I could understand this a little bit better.
I know you love me and can tell a difference. When you ask me what’s wrong,
more times than not I’ll tell you “nothing.” You wonder why I won’t open up,
but let me explain. So many times I have tried to tell people I’m depressed,
only to have them ask what I could possibly be depressed about. Nothing hurts
me worse. I can work out, read, accomplish my chores, finish my homework but
nothing seems to make it better. Yet you want to downplay how I’m feeling? I
can’t really make you understand.
I don’t need advice, or a
qualification as to why I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I just need a friend.
Let me tell you what’s going on if you want, but sometimes I can’t even put it
into words. In which case, just tell me you love me, let’s go out to eat, maybe
watch a movie. Let me just know you’re there. You may think I know you’re here,
and I do, but sometimes a reiteration is all I need. You, after all, are satellites
to my unpredictable orbit, just as I am to you.
Sometimes I try too hard to shake
myself back to normal. You’ve probably seen me make big mistakes, drastic
changes, and jump into random and crazy things. Sometimes this actually helps;
sometimes I only end up hurting my cause worse. Please be there for me as a
confidant, let me know I’m making a mistake, or push me to make a constructive
change. Even at my worst I trust you entirely to look after me.
I’m a very happy person. I’m on a
mission to put a smile on your face daily. Whether at work, home, or school
nothing pleases me more than to hear you laugh. All the while, I’m laughing
too. Some days though, I just want to lose that responsibility. Can you pick up
the slack for me? If not for me, will you for everybody else’s sake? I know it
makes you feel like I don’t love you anymore or maybe that I’m mad at you, but
I’m not. I promise. After all, when have you known me to be angry with you and
not let you know?
Don’t worry; I’ve been working on
this for years. By now I know my cycles. By now I know how I am. Sometimes when
it’s been cloudy and cold I get this way. Sometimes it’s just a combination of
random variables. Other times I can’t tell you at all what the cause is. This
may take a day, a couple days, or a week or so. I have good news though, I know
it will end. I know that eventually I’ll feel better. I’m stable. I’m safe. As
I said before I’ve been handling this for years. I worry about other people
though. Those people who are new to the game.
I once thought I would never feel better, that life wasn’t beautiful anymore.
Luckily I had great parents, parents that pulled me along to let me know what
was going on. Parents that told me it wasn’t my fault, and to hang on just a
little bit longer. I was a kid, but amazingly I listened. This was before I
knew they were always right. I hope you can read their signals, and pull my
colleagues through these confusing times.
I feel terrific today. I’m back to
normal. I woke up with a smile on my face. I made coffee, took a shower, walked
the dog. Today I feel like getting caught up: laundry, dishes, homework, read,
work, repeat. I feel like nothing ever happened. Why you ask? Like usual, I
couldn’t tell you really. I can’t wait to see you, hear you laugh, and pull
your leg. Don’t ask me if I’m feeling better. You know I am, just tell me you’re
glad to see ME. I’m blessed to have
you. I’m happy you’re here.
Sincerely,
Your
Confused Friend
