It’s that time of the year where the
blogs and articles are flying for kids getting ready to head off to school. No
doubt high school graduates have received advice books about going to college
they never read. They have endured long conversations with people of all ages
telling them what to expect. They have scrolled their future college’s website trying
to figure out how the next four to six years will go. These resources are
everywhere. What about the parents though? I have yet to see an article letting
parents know what the next couple years look like for their child and their
relationship with said child. I can’t really speak for college girls. After
four years they still confuse me, but I don’t think that will ever change.. I
can speak for young men though, so this blog is dedicated to you moms with boys
heading off to school. (Warning: This is a beyond honest post. You may be
concerned at some of these points, but have faith there’s a happy ending.)
You have raised a teenage boy, and
you have watched him do some pretty stupid stuff. In fact, this summer you have
probably attempted to ground him for some form of reckless behavior. I have bad
news; this reckless behavior isn’t going to dissipate anytime soon. The collar
is off, and those watchful eyes are gone. From experience and observation, it
takes about two years for this ecstasy of freedom to lose its shine. You’ve
done a good job though. You have instilled morals, faith, and self-esteem. My
advice to you is simple. Have a sit down talk before your son leaves. Let him
know there is going to be a new world of alcohol, girls, and accountability. He
isn’t going to understand, this is sheer preemptive damage control. Tell him
what to expect in these situations. Tell him what safety measures should be
taken. Don’t condone anything, but let him know if he decides to drink not to
drive. When he meets a girl he really likes, let him know the potential
consequences of his actions and how to avoid them. If he is in a place where
questionable activities are going on, walk home, phone a friend, or get a cab.
Trust your son to make the right decisions, but give him some insurance.
Let him fix his little mistakes.
Your son knows he can count on you. If things ever got really bad you would be
there in a heartbeat, and he knows it. He is also used to you helping him out
of the little things. He needs that moment where he realizes his mistakes are
his own. When I was a freshman at Arkansas, I accumulated enough parking
tickets to have my truck towed. I called my Dad and let him know the situation,
almost confident he’d help me out. To my surprise his answer was simple: “Figure
it out.” He hung up the phone. I sat on my bed. And I tried to “figure it out.”
The only solution I could think of was hiding beneath me, tucked away under the
bedframe. I have owned an assortment of guitars, but I had and acoustic that I
loved beyond words. I spent five hundred dollars on it, and it was my pride and
joy. I knew I had to sell it, and I won’t lie, I cried. The price to get my
truck from the lot was $200, and I pawned my $500 guitar for $175. The guy knew
I was desperate, and he screwed me over bad. I scavenged up the rest of the $200
and paid my fine to the nice man at the tow lot. Dad called later asking me
what we needed to do to repossess my Ford. He obviously just wanted me to stew
in my ignorance. I told him what I did, and I know he was proud as he choked up
on the phone. I was beyond upset, but I was also proud. I learned I was
responsible for myself that day. Let him fix the little mistakes, even though
it will kill you inside.
Your son is going to be busy. I
think parents forget that their child is (hopefully) going to class, doing
homework, waiting in the cafeteria line, and all the while trying to make
friends. You’re going to miss him, and you’re going to want to hear his voice.
More times than not, he won’t pick up. Even when you know he’s doing nothing,
he probably still won’t pick up the phone. While sometimes it’s simply because
he’s busy, other times he just needs a break from everyone, including you. Life
is crazy that first year, and I promise you’ll hear more from him later in his
college career. My advice to you is this. Leave messages telling him that you
just called to say you love him. Leave messages without insisting he call you
back if it’s not an emergency. Leave messages that passively put the ball in
his court. I promise he’ll respond at his earliest convenience. Texts are also
ideal for the college boy. Ask him if he’s doing ok, or to do well on a test.
Don’t try to have a ten minute conversation. Keep it simple. Be the one to end
the conversation before he has the chance. It will confuse him, and he’ll call
you later. By now you know reverse psychology is the key to raising a boy.
Support his new trend. Whether he
becomes a frat-star, hippie, Democrat, whatever, support this new trend. Tell
him you bought him a Polo. Tell him you’re glad he’s saving the environment.
Ask him if he saw the Democratic National Convention. Let him know you support
whoever he wants to be. Don’t get too invested though, next year he’ll probably
be something else. In the meantime, be gung-ho about whom he thinks he is!
The most comforting words my mother
ever gave me in regard to tough times was this: “You can do anything for a
semester.” I vented to her about how difficult school and life was getting.
Summer never seemed so far away, but she told me I could do anything for a
semester. In essence, I could stick out the hard times and it would be summer
before I knew it. It’s funny now though, I realize this is a formula sentence.
As tough times have come and gone over the last four years, I find myself still
hearing my mother say “You can do anything for –insert amount of time here-”
It doesn’t matter though. Whether it’s “You can do anything for two months,” or
“You can do anything for one week,” it’s still comforting to hear. Remind your
son that he can persevere through anything. He can do anything for….
Let your son know he can come home.
Let your son know that he can take five years to graduate college. Let your son
know he can take a break. If he wants to transfer schools, let him. Don’t put
pressure on your son to have a traditional college experience. College isn’t
the same as it was for you. Life isn’t the same as it was for you. Things are
different for every person. He may be struggling. He may be hurting. He may be
exhausted. He may know that he’s in the wrong place. Let your son know he can
come home. Let him know that you will welcome him back for as long as he needs.
Let him know you will support whatever decision. More times than not this will
be enough to keep him going. These feelings of wanting to leave, move, or quit
are usually stress related. More times than not, this stress is from academics.
When you let him know there’s an out, and a safety net, he’ll feel like he can
fail and that will give him a subconscious strength to just try his best. As
you know, when he does try his best he will succeed.
Trust your son. Have faith in your
parenting. Have faith in the man your son is becoming. Advise him on his
decisions, but trust that he’s smart enough to weigh the options. Trust that he’ll
find his way. Trust that he’ll fix and learn from his mistakes. Trust that your
son is everything and more that you ever dreamed he’d be. He’s going to fall.
He may get his car towed. I’m sorry to tell you, he could very well spend a
night in the drunk-tank. Don’t worry you’ll survive. More importantly he’ll survive.
Get your crying out, and then put on a smile. Your son is going to college, and
the next step is him bettering the world.
